Reposted from RandyBohlender.com
Last week, I did a ten minute podcast about a woman who tried to find a baby for her 14 year old daughter by placing an advertisement on craigslist. Eventually the ad was taken down and the police showed up to find she already had a crib, diapers and formula for the baby she hoped to find. If it’s been removed from the sidebar of this blog, you can find the archive here.
In the podcast, I strongly urged people to adopt through an adoption agency rather than try and freestyle their own adoption. I’m not talking about a weird craigslist deal, but rather some sort of arrangement that does not avail itself of the services of an adoption agency. There is a lot of pushback regarding agencies, some of it justified and some of it based in misunderstanding. Regardless, I still think it’s the best route for everyone.
Not use an agency? Can you do that?
Well, kind of. Probably. Sometimes. There are situations where you can identify an expectant mom who wants to make an adoption plan and find a lawyer to move the papers around and procure a legal adoption. You can also probably drive your car on the rims and save money on tires, but it’s not advised and you’re asking for trouble.
So what’s an agency get me?
First of all, don’t start from that perspective. Adoption is not about me. Or you. It’s an ‘us’ thing, so what’s an agency get us – meaning the expectant mother, birth father, child, and adoptive parents.
An adoption agency cares for the expectant mother and birth father.
This means doing what it takes to help them remain stable and prepare for the years to follow the adoption. Most expectant moms did not anticipate being in this position, so their life trajectory has been derailed. In many cases, they never had a good plan for the coming years to begin with. A great agency will talk with her about life goals and do their best to prepare her to get there – be it with a GED, with job training, or some other way.
As for the birth father, most of the nightmare stories you read about happen because the birth father was ignored during the process. He has legal rights and legitimate emotions. A good agency will not keep him in the dark but will bring him into the process, allowing him the dignity of fatherhood even in helping to make a plan if he wishes. If he is against adoption, you want to know that sooner rather than later.
An adoption agency cares for the child.
Sometimes expectant moms need reminding about things like medical appointments or self care. Sometimes they need rides to those appointments. A good agency will go so far as to take her to her appointments if needed, utilizing the time to get to know her better so that they can better serve her. It is an honor to help these young women do a noble thing – they are not a bother.
Likewise, for a child to have a happy, stable adoptive home, their parents need to live with the assurance that everything was done above board. Using an agency greatly decreases the chances of any surprises later that will be disruptive for the child.
An adoption agency cares for the adoptive parents.
Of course, no one has more at stake in adoption than an expectant parent, but the adoptive parents have a lot invested too, be it finances or their own heart. To say “We want to adopt” is to invite a lot of unsolicited input and risk one’s heart in a unique way.
You are not a file or a case, you are a family, often with other children’s hearts at stake as well.
For clarity, there are law firms that work as agencies as well, so just because the person driving your adoption experience was a lawyer does not mean that everyone didn’t get cared for, but you want to make sure.
Ask questions. It’s your family – and other families – who will live with the answers.