One of the most common questions we hear from expectant mothers and prospective adoptive parents centers around open adoption – what does it mean, how does it work, and how will my adoption process be affected.
For decades, adoption records were closed. Women who made an adoption plan had little or no idea what ever happened to their children and adoptive families knew about the same about their new baby’s mother. The idea was that it was best for everyone if adoption was a cut and dried process, a fresh start was made, and everyone went on with life.
Unfortunately, the people making that decision were rarely the ones who had to go on with life with questions like “How did my baby grow” or “Does my curly hair look like my birth parents?”.
The response to that and many other questions was the evolution of open adoption, which is a broad term that can mean many things on a spectrum from the birth parent receiving annual photos and updates via a designated email address to the birth parent becoming a family friend known to the child. The positives to some sort of open relationship is that the birth parents can rest assured that their baby is being well cared for. It gives them great peace of mind. Likewise, the adoptive parents often can learn more about their child’s heritage and have access to answers about health issues that they may not have any other way.
Keys to a Workable Open Adoption
Clarity
Some things are allowed to work themselves out. Adoption should not be one of those things. Before a match is made with an adoptive family and an expectant mother, we talk to both of them at length about their willingness and expectation regarding open adoption. The parameters should be agreed up on before a match is considered so that all parties understand what they are agreeing to.
Consideration
It will take some empathy from both adoptive parents and a birth mom to make open adoption work. Adoptive parents need to understand that while the adoption was cause for a major celebration in their home, for someone else, it was a significant sacrifice that may need some processing. The birth mom mourning is not a sign of her having second thoughts, and the adoptive parents’ celebration is not a sign of gloating. Both point to the value of this wonderful child.
A Third Party
Emotions run high for everyone involved in an adoption. This is why we recommend these discussions be had through the adoption agency. We will accurately represent a birth mom or adoptive parents’ wishes to the other, but we can do with a bit removed from the emotion of it all.
When the openness factor of adoption is discussed in advance, it can be a much better process for everyone. We understand that some expectant mothers and adoptive parents will want a closed adoption, and in those cases we honor their wishes and privacy, but we make sure we have the conversation so that everyone understands the positives and negatives.
On a personal level, as a new adoptive father, I was scared of open adoption for reasons that seemed justified at the time. I worried about privacy and an ongoing struggle with a process I wanted sealed and done. With six adoptions, we have a variety of arrangements with our children’s birth moms. I can honestly say that the more open arrangements have offered me more peace of mind and opportunity to speak into my children’s lives with authority. I have stories of their heritage to share with them and understanding of their health background that I could have no other way. I also have the assurance that their birth mom knows of their well being and can rest in the solid choice she made.
Adoption can be done many ways, and ultimately it’s up to you. We believe that considering some level of openness can make the experience even richer for you.