Adoption is beautiful.  Adoption is hard.  

Both of these sentences are equally true, yet somehow beauty trumps difficulty.  Even so, it doesn’t mitigate it entirely.  The process is one of struggle, of contending, of hoping and praying – on the part of both the expectant mother and the adoptive family.

At Zoe’s House, we work hard to emphasize the partnership in this arrangement.  It is not meant to be adversarial, although confusion and frustration conspire to make it feel that way if we’re not vigilant.  Here are a few things to remember, no matter what side of the equation you find yourself.

Adoptive parents must remember that while this is a glorious day, it is also a sad one.  The most committed, well adjusted, mature birth mother will deal with some measure of grief over her adoption.  That grief does not mean regret. In private adoption, she is working a plan that she has been in control of from the beginning.  She is not behind coherced by the state, an agency, or anyone else.  It is her decision….but that doesn’t make it simple or easy, and her pain must be acknowledged and respected.

Because the time of birth is so filled with emotion, we encourage the greater sharing of information before that time in the hospital.  Phone calls or email between expectant moms and adoptive families are a great time to get to know one another’s history.   This will serve to verify to the expectant mother that yes, she has made a good choice.  It will also help the adoptive family years down the road when that wonderful child asks more about their birth mother.

Fear is rarely a good guide in life, and fear on both sides tends to move people toward privacy and reservation.  They make decisions about interaction based on “what if?”.   It would be better to make those decisions based on a certainty, and the certainty is that children eventually want to know more about where they came from.  You may not want to give them all that information in one fell swoop, but the ability to unfold their story to them over time is a gift.  Don’t overlook that gift by rushing through the get-to-know-you period because it’s uncomfortable.

Adoption is beatiful.  Adoption is hard.  And children are worth it.